


...or for worse

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 15:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8214886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: "Jinki’s not sleeping again.  Taemin has hidden the guns & the knives."





	

Jinki’s not sleeping again.  Taemin has hidden the guns & the knives.

He was fine at Taemin’s birthday, happy even.  Summer is sometimes hit-or-miss.  The sunlight brightens the world but the heat reminds him of the desert & one sense will always win over the other. 

This year it was the brightness. 

It’s beginning to fade now, the move into September means a move toward darkness & the subtle changes in the hours of sunrise & sunset are affecting Jinki.

It’s almost rhythmical how the seasons bring with them their own perverse torment or comfort.

That, & the anniversary that’s soon to arrive.

Jinki isn’t sleeping.  He’s on his third beer watching the television on mute without captions.  It’s unnerving when he does this.  Taemin had never realized how visually stimulating it was to watch television until he was left without sound or context, the bright flickering on the screen leaving him disoriented.

It’s not too bad so far.  He’s not hallucinating, not yet, & he’s only half-drunk most of the time, both of which are good signs.  But he’s only leaving the house to have a smoke on the front porch & that is not enough, not nearly enough.

At least he’s not ignoring Minho’s & Gwiboon’s texts. 

It’s in Minho’s lockbox in the back of his bedroom closet that Taemin has hidden the weapons.  Jinki will know that they’re there when he realizes that they’re missing but he won’t fight Minho for them: he owes him too much.  And he won’t go over drunk with his godsons in the house.

Taemin’s left the alcohol & photographs where Jinki can find them though he wants to pack them up as well.  He pulls out the records that put Jinki at ease & the blanket that his mother knit him, the one he clings to during times like these, the one Taemin holds in his hands now.

Three years have passed since he came home.

And every six months Taemin is reminded of how much has changed.

He holds Jinki during the fireworks in July & January, holds his hands when he visits his brothers & sisters-in-arms at their graves in May & November, keeps him distracted in October & April when monsters & death crowd shelves in every store. 

It’s a constant battle.

Respite comes with the lights that twinkle at Christmas & the day of light in June, the romance of February & the absence of anything in August.

But that’s over now.

Autumn is advancing.

Most of the time it’s ok.  They live a quiet life & that’s fine by Taemin.  They have fun together & with their friends & it’s good.

Minho served with Jinki but he wasn’t there when the IED went off.  He wasn’t there during the weeks of gunfire & bombs. 

He doesn’t duck at the sound of a helicopter.

A civilian now, he works in an elementary school teaching children about health & fitness during the day & is a husband & father at night.  He texts every morning & calls on the weekends, sometimes dropping by for a visit.  Less so now that he has kids, but often enough that the boys call them both “uncle”.

Gwiboon comes over sometimes but Jonghyun stays away.  It’s not selfish; it’s self-preservation. 

For both of them.

Jonghyun’s always been a civilian & he’s only recently become a military husband & he doesn’t know how to deal with what could have happened to his wife happening to his wife’s friend.  And he didn’t know Jinki before.  He’s not sure about Jinki now.

He sends nice messages & baked goods, but mostly he stays at home with their daughter.

When Gwiboon comes over it’s never in her uniform.  They never talk about it & it’s an unnecessary gesture, but somehow it has become part of the routine.

They drink in silence as often as they speak.  Gwiboon’s hands fly in animated bursts as they talk about their days as new recruits, the drill sergeants they hated & the one they both had a crush on.  The first sergeants they always respected & the idiotic XOs they had to salute.  They talk about the theater & make plans to go that they mostly follow through on.  It’s harder now with the baby but they still try to go.

They never talk about the war. 

Not when Taemin’s around. 

Never when Taemin’s around.

Gwiboon’s been state-side longer than Jinki, though not by much.  Her tour in the desert was half as long as his & she spent the following year stationed in Korea.  Now she’s stationed two towns over, close enough for the occasional weekend visit & for trips into the city to the theater.

Sometimes she doesn’t sleep either.  Neither does Jonghyun.  It’s a good match.

Taemin has his own friends, people he’s kept in touch with from high school & co-workers that he doesn’t find wholly irritating.  But they’re all civilians who don’t understand what it’s like, who talk about the military in abstract & think of their grandfathers when they hear the word “veteran”.

Sometimes he thinks he likes Jinki’s more.

Maybe he just understands them better after all this time.

And it’s been a long time.

He’s known Jinki since the day he was born, & he’s been in love with him since he was twelve.  It took him six years to convince Jinki to give them a try because Jinki has always been honorable & wouldn’t date Taemin when he was still so young.

“Quit telling me to wait for you to get older!”, he said, “Do you know how that sounds?  Like some skeevy predator who lusts after little boys & waits until they’re ‘legal’ to take advantage.  One minute isn’t going to make a difference, Taemin.  One minute won’t change everything.”

It was heart-breaking to hear because Taemin knew that it wouldn’t & he didn’t understand why Jinki would think he thought it would. 

And because Taemin knew that he loved him too.  Or at least that he felt something.  Because a rainy April evening had found Taemin with tears running down his cheeks asking Jinki to tell him that he didn’t love him.  “Just tell me that & I’ll walk away!”

He didn’t.

He said “I can’t”.

Which is not the same as “I don’t”.

Fists shoved into his pockets, he turned & walked away.

Eighteen months later Jinki finally, finally gave him a chance. 

He’d just gotten back from his first deployment & shown up on Taemin’s doorstop in his uniform & a question & didn’t leave again until his furlough was over.

They were so young.

Taemin knew that he had come back different, that he had changed, but they both had & that was all part of growing up.  When he came back from his second deployment changed it was no longer a question of chronology but of experience. 

There are things Taemin doesn’t know, that he probably never will.  He won’t ask & he doesn’t expect Jinki to ever tell him. 

It hurts to know that there are pieces of Jinki that he’ll never get to touch. 

It hurts worse to see how those pieces pierce through Jinki’s mind & soul leaving him with a thousand invisible wounds that will never heal.

Taemin & Jinki both want to protect the other from them.

Because Jinki thinks he’s a monster & Taemin knows he isn’t.

Monsters don’t feel guilt.

Monsters don’t mourn loss.

Monsters don’t hold guns to their head & cry.

He thinks about it sometimes, thinks about it now as he watches Jinki watch the muted screen.  He could have walked away then; it would have been understandable. 

Jinki would have understood.

Everyone would have understood. 

Except Taemin. 

‘For better or for worse’ meant something to him on their wedding day, the one they weren’t legally allowed to have, & it means something to him now. 

This is the ‘worse’, this is the ‘sickness’ he vowed to stand by in.

And this is Jinki.  This is the man he’s loved for more than half his life, the one he can’t imagine living without.

So he moves into the living room & sits down beside him, covering them both with the blanket as he leans his head on Jinki’s shoulder & watches the images flit across the silent screen.


End file.
